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The Cuckold's and Cuckolder's Guide by Cuckold Paul

What Is A Cuckold?
The word "cuckold" probably comes from the practice of the cuckoo bird. The female cuckoo mates with an alpha-male, who then moves on to encounters with other females. The female then returns to her mate, and the two of them raise the babies which resulted from mom's "night on the town."
Traditionally, a (human) cuckold was the object of scorn and derision; when it was discovered that a man's wife had found fulfillment in another man's bed, she was an adulteress and he was her cuckold. It was often said that he "left with his tail between another man's legs."

The dictionary defines a cuckold as "a man with an unfaithful wife."

In the context of alternative lifestyles, the cuckold occupies a position somewhere between the traditional definition and that of "swingers." The difference with the first definition is that today's cuckold is both aware of his wife's "infidelity" and is sexually excited by it; the difference with the second definition is that "swingers" are mutually involved, or at least approach the sex bed as equals, which is not the case with a cuckold.

In plain English, a cuckold is a man who stands by and accepts his wife's infidelity, being sexually excited by her actions. He may have normal sexual relations with his wife part of the time, or he may accept that his wife has chosen another man to replace him completely in her sexual bed.

Why Would Someone Choose To Be Cuckolded?
Having read (and written) extensively on this, I have found the following themes. Any combination may exist to explain a specific couple's relationship.

Submission
Being cuckolded is often a display of total submissiveness, with the added element being that at least one other person (the lover) knows of the cuckold's role. Cuckolds may take pleasure in serving their wife and, in some cases, her lover as well. If a person wishes to experience submission, bringing breakfast in bed to his wife and her lover would surely fit the bill; and if he wants to feel dominated by his wife, having her tell him to leave them alone so they could make love undisturbed would be almost unbearably exciting! In addition, the knowledge that she can do whatever she wants with regard to sex, while he is restricted to only what she approves for him, is probably the ultimate in submission: he turns over his genitals to her, while she offers no such commitment in return.

Humiliation
Many swingers and alternative-lifestyle adherents draw the line at humiliation, and reject it with disgust. Yet these same people will accept s&m as understandable! Humiliation is, in my opinion, simply mental s&m. Why would someone choose to be "disciplined," and find it to be sexually exciting? If you can understand that, you can understand the lure of humiliation as a sexual stimulus. And if a man seeks to be humiliated, what could be more humiliating than seeing, or hearing, or learning of his wife choosing another man to bed? If the experience includes the wife acknowledging that her lover is better endowed, or a better lover than her husband, the humiliation is complete.

Jealousy
Yes, jealousy is a turn-on for cuckolds. In fact, it is probably one of the greatest ones, though few cuckolds have written about it. After all, look what he has lost: his wife's faithfulness, his wife's body (temporarily, if not permananently), his equality as a sexual partner, his dignity... and all these have been given to another man! Personally, when I began to feel jealous, I began to feel truly cuckolded - and very excited!

Voyeurism
Though I think this is secondary to the two reasons above, it is true that there are not many opportunities in life to watch two people having sex. This is why home videos are so popular! But nothing can equal the real thing, life and in front of you... and so, inviting another man into your wife's bed will undoubtedly give you a front-row seat for the festivities.

Fear
One cuckold explained his excitement as "caused by the duality of being both afraid and excited. Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac... maybe my body requires a certain amount of adrenaline, which can only be generated by fear."

What is there to fear? A cuckold can fear (while being turned on by) the thought of being humiliated in front of his wife and her lover; he can fear being told he cannot cum for a specified (and lengthy) period of time. He can fear hearing sounds of pleasure from his wife that he never heard when she was in bed with him. Or, he can just fear the unknown...

The Unknown
Many cuckolds acknowledge that they have no idea why this turns them on, but for most of us, it is a sexual fantasy of the most overpowering variety. As I told my wife, I would rather watch her in bed with her lover than have sex with any woman on the face of the earth! So, like most sexual fantasy, we may be able to explain elements of the attraction, but we cannot explain it completely. Many cuckolds relate that they had no idea this turned them on, until their wife discussed a good looking man, or related the story of a man making a pass at her. Suddenly, the husband gets a distinct message from "another authority," and wonders what the hell is going on. THAT is a cuckold in the making!

Why Would A Wife Choose To Cuckold Her Husband?
While there are women who simply cheat on their husbands, this is not part of our discussion, as it is not a mutual decision. If you find out that your wife is cheating on you, don't read this -- get to a marriage counselor, or a lawyer!
Many cuckolds describe years and years of asking their wife to have sex with another man. Usually, the wife opposes this, for several reasons. First, it goes against everything that was promised in the marriage vows, and she cannot believe that it will do anything but ruin her marriage. Second, it is often threatening to the wife, as she assumes it is a pretext for the husband to have sex with other women (if you both want to do that, have fun; you're back in the "swinger" category, and this site is not about you). Third, many wives -- especially once they are out of their 20's and no longer look like Barbie -- worry that no other man will find them attractive, and they do not want to set themselves up for a disappointment. Finally, they worry (with good reason) about all the mean, nasty stuff out there: bad people, bad vibes, bad diseases.

So, why do wives say yes? While some do it simply because their husbands are not satisfactory lovers, I believe that most begin (note that I said begin; the reasons change later) to satisfy their husband's burning desire to try this. Also, if they had few sexual experiences before marriage, they may be curious as to what else is out there, and if their sexual experiences have been somewhat tame, they wonder what all the talk is about!

Once the wife begins to see other men, it is another step -- and often, not an easy one -- to cuckold her husband. After all, she loves the guy! (If she does not love him, it's time to head for the marriage counselor or the lawyer again...) It is hard to believe that her husband really wants her to like her lover more, or at least to like sex with her lover more; it is even harder to believe that he really wants to hear that from his wife. Usually, this part begins very slowly, as the wife hesitatingly relates the pleasurable details of her tryst to her husband. She notices his outstanding (!) reaction to what she says, and notices that the more explicit she is, and the more she talks about her pleasure, the more hubby goes crazy. If her husband watches her in bed with her lover, she will be very hesitant to display her pleasure, until he makes it clear that he is very turned on by it!

So, why go through all this? In my wife's words, "I can have my cake and eat it, too." What could be bad for a woman who realizes that her husband will do everything he can to make sure she has great sex with her lover, and will welcome her home (often to a completely cleaned house ) when she is done!

And, back to the wife's initial worry that no other man could possibly find her attractive: imagine her surprise and delight when the nice looking, intelligent guy she meets is very turned on! Seeing him hard, feeling him get excited as she undresses, as she touches him, as he touches her... brings her right back to high school, but with an adult's understanding of what sex is all about. Does absolute wonders for a woman's ego!


What Is The Difference Between A Cuckold And A Man With A "Hot Wife"?
Though you could certainly describe the cuckolder as a "hot wife," the difference, IMHO, lies in the original dictionary definition, "a man with an unfaithful wife." A woman crosses over the line into "unfaithful" not when she has sex with another man with her husband's consent, but when she prefers sex with her lover to sex with her husband -- and tells him so.



Major Cuckold Themes
"He's bigger than you"
In spite of all the ads in men's magazines, we haven't found a way to change what God gives us. Few women marry a man because of the size of his penis, but much has been written about how good it feels to many women to be "filled completely." So, wifey goes searching (or the well-behaved cuckold searches for her) for a man who can measure up. Some women find a large penis to be painful or uncomfortable, but if she finds the experience to be fulfilling , hubby must recognize that there is no way on earth that he can offer her what her lover does. In our society, in which "bigger is better," it is truly humiliating for a man to see less between his own legs than he sees on the man between his wife's legs! Not to mention the conversations with her lover, who tells him how good his wife feels "deep inside," and then laughs at the fact that hubby can never, ever know what that feels like. In other words, this man feels parts of your wife's body that you can never touch -- so go sit in the corner, and listen to her make me cum with those places you can't touch!


"He's better than you"

Why wifey would want this is obvious -- what a surprise, after 5, 10 or 20 years of marriage, to learn that sex is more fun than you knew! And for cucky, the embarrassment is even greater than if her lover is bigger: at least if he is bigger, you can claim that there is nothing you can do about it. But if he is better -- especially if he is about the same size as cucky, then the plain truth is, "You are not such a good lover." (Actually, that's the diplomatic truth; the plain truth is that you're a lousy lover!)

Sally's lover -- the man who made her decide to cuckold me permanently -- is almost exactly my size. But when I asked her to give us each a grade, he got an A+; after making sure that I really wanted to hear the truth about myself, she said I am a C+. Now, when she and I make love, she will often sigh and tell me she wishes Ty was inside her instead. I would be very hurt by this, if I wasn't busy cumming!

"Don't Touch Me"

Here is a major difference between a Hot Wife and a cuckolding wife: Often, I read of husbands fucking their wives before they head out on a "date." Cuckolds hardly ever get to touch their wives before a "date," unless it is to clean her, dress her or apply her makeup! And, of course, this makes sense: if her husband really isn't much of a lover, then why would she want to ruin the mood, or take the edge off her anticipation? In my case, about four days before a "date," Sally stops allowing me to touch her or even to see her undressed; in her words, "I'm saving it for him."

In more extreme cases, where the wife has replaced her husband with another man (or men) on a permanent basis, her body may simply be off limits to him at all times. In these cases, the occasional glimpse of a breast or pubic hair can trigger spontaneous orgasm!


"Clean Up the House While I'm Gone"

If the husband acknowledges his sexual inferiority, he may fell compelled to try to make it up to his wife in any way possible. Therefore, he may be among the most obedient husbands on the planet! Remember, hubby gets off on his own sexual failings; therefore, cleaning the house, etc., only serves to remind him that he's doing this because he's not very good in bed. This may be one of the few times you see a man vacuuming with an erection .

Again, in my case, Sally only has to preface any request with, "Hey, C+...," and I jump to comply!

"I Want to Have His Baby"

I tend to believe that the vast majority of cuckold stories in which the lover impregnates the wife are fictional, though I could be wrong. After all, the couple will have to live with that decision for the rest of their lives. But certainly, if you want to feel that you have "lost" your wife to another man, having him impregnate her would probably do that in spades! I do not judge here, so I mention that a number of cuckolds are very turned on by finding their wife's birth control sitting on the dresser when she goes out.


Watching Or Waiting?

There is a lot of discussion about which is more erotic: watching your wife in bed with another man, or waiting at home (or anywhere) while she goes off with him. Generally, the cuckold has little say in this; his wife will probably be more comfortable with one than the other, and that is what she will choose.
Seeing sex happen in front of you, and realizing - over and over again - that the woman you see in the throes of passion is your wife, is breathtaking. Even when you engage in sex, you don't get to witness it; seeing a man's penis slide in and out of a vagina is stimulating enough, but when it is your own wife's vagina, it is overwhelming. And watching (and hearing) orgasms... the same thing, in spades!

On the other hand, if the mind is the most powerful sex organ, there is much to be said for the cuckold who sits at home and masturbates, wondering what his wife and her lover are doing now (and now, and NOW, and...). If you thought teenage boys jerk off a lot, I assure you that they are amateurs compared to cucky in the sixth hour of waiting!


Cream Pie

I would say that this has been talked about too much, if it weren't for how much it turns me (and most every other cuckold) on! Whether it is submission or humiliation, licking another man's semen from your wife's pussy is #1 on the hit parade. Why is that? I believe it is a combination of every male taboo rolled into one:
- Men aren't supposed to eat cum (well, straight men aren't...)

- Men are supposed to guard their wives' chastity/purity with their lives.

- Ejaculating in a woman is a strong symbol of possession, and seeing another man's semen in your wife's most private, intimate place is a clear sign that you are not the sole (or even primary) person in her life... or at least in her body.

- If there is any single thing that "proves" that your wife was unfaithful, it is the sight of semen dripping from her vagina, when you know you didn't put it there. Pornographers may be able to substitute liquid soap in pictures, but when you're face to face with the real thing, you know it.

- The only way for that semen to get in your wife was for her to bring him to orgasm. A creampie says, "Not only did she cuckold you, but she did it very well."

- Semen does not taste good; if you're lucky, it does not taste terrible. Licking it up - especially if it is a large amount - is very, very difficult, and emphasizes the humiliating nature of what your wife is doing to you.

- If you have to do it in front of the lover, while your wife is holding and kissing him, you will have your "place" made perfectly clear to all involved - especially if the two of them laugh at your difficulty swallowing all of it!

For all these reasons, most cuckolds find creampies to be among their most powerful fantasies and most erotic experiences


A Note About "Slut Wives"

There are those men who want their wives to be "sluts"; to sleep around to be indiscriminate, etc. I've seen very few cuckolds who express this wish, and I believe it has to do with our absolute respect for our wives. We don't mind being humiliated, but don't mess with our wife - that will turn us off faster than anything at all. So, again, correct me if I am wrong, but I think that very few cuckolds will ever refer to their wife as a slut (and if they do, it'll probably be a cold day in hell before they "get any" again!)


Pitfalls

So, with all this good stuff, what's to worry? Plenty!
First of all, the couple had better have a wonderful, positive, open relationship. You are going to be playing for real here, and both of you have to be able to say what you are feeling, and to "bail out" at any point that it becomes unworkable or dangerous. In the words of one cuckold, "You and your wife must love each other very much. That love, trust, understanding and willingness to be open and honest must be there, or neither of you, nor your marriage in whatever shape it may take, will survive."

Sex is powerful; there's a reason advertisers use it! You cannot expect your wife to have sex with someone and not develop feelings for him (unless it is a terrible experience; see below). In fact, cuckolding is even more dangerous in this regard than "hot wife-ing" (is there such a phrase?), because the ultimate fantasy of the cuckold is that she will like her lover more than him! So, take it step by step. I have corresponded with many couples for whom it was a powerful fantasy, but as they took the first baby-steps toward making it real, they realized that they didn't like where it was going. I applaud them - we've got enough divorces.

"What are our limits?" is a question which should be asked and asked again. If you both love each other, and you are doing this to find a new kind of experience, then you should both be overwhelmed with concern for how the other is handling it, and whether the latest step is over the line. Women, there is a nearly-foolproof way to tell: it's called the Peter Meter! If you talk about actually meeting a man for the first time, or about going away with him on a cruise for a week, your husband's cock will tell you whether this is A Very Good Idea, or moving too fast!

Remember, especially, that once the wife has a lover, he does not "go away" like turning off a VCR. He is real, and his presence in your lives is real, too. As one cuckold said, "The humiliation is very real. It doesn't stop after you've jacked off three times. Her lover is still in the picture." So, folks, this is one you can't "take back"; you can stop, but you can't undo what you have done, or what you have said. If hubby doesn't want to live with the knowledge that his wife's lover is better, or that she longs to be with him, or that those three extra inches really do matter to her, then don't start.

Men, I can only give you the one suggestion which I've told Sally from day one: she has absolute veto power over anything, at any time. She can get up and walk out of a restaurant, or a hotel room, or a conversation; she can say she's done seeing someone; she can say something makes her uncomfortable; and in every case, I'll agree instantaneously. Once she understood that I really meant that (she was afraid she'd "disappoint me," but I explained that it's not my fantasy if she's not enjoying), it gave her the freedom to test her own limits.

Finally, let's be real: the Internet is wonderful, but all the dangers which apply to kids online apply to grownups, too. People are not always what they appear to be, and some are downright strange. Talk lots - lots - before agreeing to meet someone! Start with email, progress to ICQ or IM, and then talk on the phone. If you're worried about the other person having caller ID, buy a phone card and call from a pay phone! We strongly suggest a first-meeting dinner (remember, cuckolds always pick up the check!), with the absolute understanding that nothing other than dinner is going to happen that evening. This gives everyone a chance to meet and talk face-to-face, and gives wifey the chance to consider whether she wants to share her bed with this man. Making it a no-touch evening gives her the opportunity to say yes or no on her own, without him (or hubby) breathing down her neck.

And as they used to say on Hill Street Blues, "be careful out there." Cuckolds and cuckolders are usually regular people, with lives, jobs and children. You don't want your exploits on the front page of the local paper, do you? We strongly suggest using pseudonyms and false-everything until you get to know the other person very well. Hotmail, Yahoo, etc., offer anonymous email, and though we'd never want to be accused of suggesting anything dishonest, there isn't anything that actually requires you to tell the truth in signing up for your Hotmail or Yahoo account! We won't tell, if you won't.


Best Quotes From Cuckolds

Being a cuckold doesn't sound like something most men would be proud of."
"It is sometimes difficult for [my husband] when he has had to be sociable with a man he knows that I am sleeping with."

"There is nothing like the sounds my wife makes when she is in bed with her lover."

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Mike Shula is Out at Alabama

Tuscaloosa - A tumultuous week for Mike Shula is over. ABC 33/40 sports has learned Shula will not be retained as the Alabama head football coach.

We first reported the story just after midnight. The Alabama coaches out on the road recruiting have been summoned back to Tuscaloosa.

After a 10-win season last year, this season was full of disappointments. There were second half letdowns against Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee and Auburn, and a brutal loss at home to Mississippi State. His inability to win games against his Western Division rivals was especially disappointing.

Looking at his overall record in the last 4 years, Shula was 26-and-23, 13-and-19 in the SEC, 1-and-3 against Tennessee and Arkansas, 0-and-4 against LSU and most disturbing, 0-and-4 against Auburn.

Where Alabama goes from here isn't clear. There's been a lot of talk about Steve Spurrier and Nick Saban. There is however no reason to believe either guy will come to Tuscaloosa.

Other names mentioned: Rich Rodriguez, Jim Grobe and Paul Johnson.

Jeff Speegle will be in Tuscaloosa later this morning, and we will continue to follow this story throughout the day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Tuscaloosa, Ala. (AP) - Alabama coach Mike Shula was fired after a 6-6 season that ended with three straight losses, including a defeat by state rival Auburn.

Athletic director Mal Moore said Monday that defensive coordinator Joe Kines would serve as interim head coach. A news conference was set for Monday afternoon. Shula was to meet with players late Monday morning.

The firing was first reported by The Tuscaloosa News on its Web site. The newspaper said Shula told his assistant coaches late Sunday night of the dismissal.

Shula, a former Alabama quarterback, led the Crimson Tide to a 10-2 season last year and a Cotton Bowl victory. But his teams were winless in four tries against Auburn. The Tigers beat the Crimson Tide 22-15 on Nov. 18.

Shula's firing means Alabama is looking for a head coach for the fourth time since 2000. The Tide has had seven coaches in the 24 years since Paul "Bear" Bryant's last season in 1982. Bryant had directed the Alabama program for 25 years.

Shula took over the proud but troubled program less than four months before the 2003 season after Mike Price was fired following spring practice for his off-the-field behavior - specifically a night of drinking at a strip club in Pensacola, Fla. Price got the job after Dennis Franchione bolted for Texas A&M.

"Mike and his staff took over our program during a trying period four years ago, and in a number of ways Mike has been an excellent representative of our program," Moore said in a statement. "He personally has displayed impeccable character."

Moore praised Shula for providing "stability for our program through four years of NCAA probation" that end Feb. 1, 2007.

"However, we did not make progress on the field this season and have not been able to maintain the positive momentum necessary to return Alabama football to a place among college football's elite programs," Moore said.

Shula, son of Pro Football Hall of Fame coach Don Shula, spent 15 years as an NFL assistant before he took the Alabama job, but had no experience as a head coach or on a college staff.

He received a new six-year contract in May worth $1.55 million annually. The deal extended his contract two years through early 2012, with a raise of $650,000 plus a $200,000 signing bonus.

The 41-year-old Shula had a 26-23 record in four seasons with the Crimson Tide.

But he is the only Tide coach to lose four consecutive games to Auburn. He came under considerable fire earlier this month when Alabama was stunned by Mississippi State - and former Tide All-American Sylvester Croom, the runner-up to Shula for the Tuscaloosa job in 2003.





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Submissive_vs_Slave

SUBMISSIVE vs SLAVE
This distinction appears muddled, misunderstood and generalized by a great number of the people that I converse with. First I would like to make a point. Language at it's best shifts from area to area. Within this one continent we have many variations or dialects of usage. This can be seen in terms like sweeper meaning vacuum cleaner etc. So, many words used within a community can mean different things to different people based on the 'age' of the person, their background and the common usage of the area they live in.
The submissive is a volunteer.
The slave is not a volunteer.
This is the core and substantial difference between the two terms. Within the BDSM community this can be interpreted in this way. The submissive individual may be lightly, moderately or heavily submissive. The submissive has a desire to submit to the direction of another person which in this community we call the Dominant or Top. Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena's. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship. Other submissives will have a more moderate (this is the largest group) approach, a stronger desire to submit for longer periods of time with fewer restrictions, limitations and requirements. A small percentage of submissives will be heavily submissive. They desire and look for a full time partner to live with on a full time basis. Their nature is to seek to express their submission as often as possible with the fewest restrictions upon their chosen Dominant as possible. Generally their list of limitations, rules and requirements may be verbal, short and flexible.
Additionally there is the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts. This person is willing to submit only so far as to address their personal needs. Their orientation toward 'serving' the other person is almost nonexistent. They will have a list of personal needs and requirements and in large part do not care who fills them. These persons tend to be called the "DO ME" subs. In my opinion they are not submissives at all, not having the basic criteria of a 'desire to serve for the pleasure of another' that is the fundamental trait I identify as submissive and Dominant. For me personally, the 'do me sub' in my eyes is a vanilla person with a kink fetish desire.
There is one other category that needs to be mentioned here. This is the terminology of bottom and masochist. In general terms a bottom is not necessarily submissive but a person who enjoys scening from the bottom position. This bottom may or may not consider themselves to be a submissive, many consider themselves to be neither submissive nor Dominant but more accurately a switch. You will note that I do not consider a bottom to be a 'do me sub', their attitude, orientation and motivation are distinctly different. In my opinion they are usually very open and honest about the submissive aspect and by virtue of that fall into their own category. I have scened with many bottoms and found them to be excellent for demo's, workshops and to help out or assist where multiple persons are useful for the fulfillment of a scene. The masochist also plays in here, a masochist is a person that enjoys pain being inflicted upon them. They do not need to be submissive at all, (similar to a bottom). However, many submissives are strongly masochistic. The masochist also is sometimes called a 'pain slut', they generally are most similar to a bottom in clarifying their distinctions from the label or identification of submissive. This form of honesty is what in my opinion makes both of these choices valid.

The SLAVE ~
The slave is beyond the last level of the submissive. The slave vacates limits. To be a slave is to offer of self fully and without reservation. From my perspective very few individuals fall into this category. Those that do, that I know personally are generally with their Dominant for a very long period of time. Trust has been long ago established, limits and range discovered and a relationship of personal strength has emerged which allows the submissive to transcend to this level. This is a level without safewords, without limits. The slave lives with their Dominant on a full time basis and may or may not have a life external of serving their mate. The slave generally selects a Dominant with parallel limits. By this I mean that the final action of trust is the vacating of set limits. In order to do this the individual must fundamentally know that their partner shares the same 'natural' or 'inviolate' limits as they do. A Dominant has limits just like a submissive. That which falls within their natural range and desire is their arena.
Many people use the term 'slave' interchangeably with submissive. I myself enjoy calling my sub's 'slaves' because it thrills them. However, I know in truth that they are not slaves, they fall within the field of the submissive. A submissive without choice (limit's - safewords) becomes a slave. They have passed that final threshold of personal trust.
One final thing to really confuse things. I have a category which I call the 'Authentic Submissive', I also call these persons 'full out or true Submissives'. This is the submissive who is auto responsive. When in top space they can and may appear to be at any level of the submissive listed above. Upon entering sub-space they lose the ability to do anything but obey. This is an automatic response. They are unable to control the response. It has been my lifelong opinion that these submissives are the 'natural slaves', they have a capacity and range far exceeding the non-auto-responsive submissive. By the way, when I find one of these quite rare authentic submissives, I am instinctively very protective of them. They are the most vulnerable members of this community.
Ok, to address a few more misconceptions. There is sometimes rampant discussion on the who is real question. Any person who states that they are submissive, switch or Dominant should be taken at their word until through action, word or deed they demonstrate otherwise. Respect is not given by virtue of having any aspect but is earned or inspired by consistent action, word or deed. The amount, number, placement, design of brandings, piercings, tattoo's etc. can but do not necessarily identify any individual by virtue of in community status. These ornamentation's are used across the entirety of the community and can be seen upon any individual regardless of Dominant or submissive status.
The easiest way to discover a person's placement within the community, be it through gender, sexual orientation, top, bottom, sideways etc... is to politely ask them. You can simply say, "What way would you prefer to be addressed?" This offers the individual the choice to tell you what they prefer so that you will not appear discourteous. By the way...courtesy is the key. You are not required to respect any unknown person. You are required to use common courtesy. Additionally, there is no right or wrong to being or believing yourself to be anything. It is not better to be one thing or the other and people should not be discriminated against for those choices they make. I offer common respect to all persons until and unless they take an action that I find disrespectful. At that point I generally elect to have no further converse with them.
One final note. There is what is loosely called a 'submissive network'. This network is a system which has existed probably since the origination of the SSC credo (safe, sane and consensual), wherein submissives within a community share information. This becomes important if you are a new person. A Dominant is only as good as the reputation they maintain within their local community. There are persons within this community who use the label Dominant, Top and even Sadist to cover their activities of non-consensual abuse. If you encounter someone who is abusive or breaks the SSC credo. Identify them in their local community. This is in real life. If you are a Dominant and you encounter a submissive who is unbalanced (mentally), by this I mean erratic, violent, abusive...share this information as neutrally as possible with the other Dominant's in your locale who may encounter this submissive. There are some persons who call themselves submissive who will turn after a scene and accuse the Dominant of abuse. Generally they have not dealt with prior, long term or life long experiences with abuse. You are not required to medically diagnose, just be open and honest. Submissives also live by their local reputation. When encountering or beginning a new relationship be honest about any occurrences which may reflect poorly on your reputation. Establishment of trust requires this. A Dominant may be accused of abuse and a submissive accused of being cracked or insane without substantiation. Imput the information and take the time to get to know the individual before making a judgment!